I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
