I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
