I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
