Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
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