If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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