Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
