he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
the raccoons are back...
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