I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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