The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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