$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I can't turn off my feet"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
