hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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