I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
