Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
