On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
