getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
