I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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