worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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