I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
