Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
