At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
