i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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