I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
