I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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