he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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