On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
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The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
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We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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