remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
