what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
