She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
