She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
