wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
