I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
