a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
