I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
