Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
