my sisters under your porch take her home
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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