I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
