Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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