Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Randomize
