We're facebook friends in real life
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
