Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
