my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
