My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
