I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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