I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I can text with my tongue
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
