Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
