How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
