Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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