Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
