I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The power of my boobs compel you
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
