yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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