phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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