i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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