Will you blow on my dice?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
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