wakey wakey hands off snakey
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
