i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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