Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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