When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
