I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
We named our party play list daddy issues
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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