How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
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we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
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I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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