so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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